Why do they return?

[frualeydis]

I am currently reading an article on the story of Griselda, a very disturbing medieval story about wife and child abuse that was used as an exemplum of wifely obedience in the Middle Ages and the Renaissance. It is even hard to read because there are so many cases of this everywhere in the world.
And it reminds me of the fact that my cousin has decided to move in again with her abusive partner. I was told two days ago and I have a hard time grasping it. He's not physically abusive when they're together, or at least i don't think so anymore, but very psychologically abusive and the first time she tried to leave him he jumped in through the window of her mother's house where she was staying and when she and her son hid in the bath room he tried to hack his way in with an axe. This winter she decided to leave him again and then he got his dead fathers gun which was kept somewhere else and hid in the barn together with ammunition and then tried to break down the door to the room where she and their little son were hiding. the police had to come and get him.
And now she's moving in with him again. I don't know what to say, I don't know what to do. We're the same age and used to be good friends as children and still enjoy each other's company when we meet, even if it's too seldom.
I don't know what to do.

Comments

[guyelfkin.livejournal.com]

All you can realistically do is be there for her if she needs it, I suppose.

You can't *make* her stay away from him, though it seems obvious thats what she should do.

Best of luck

Teddy

[pinque.livejournal.com]

It's so hard when you see someone keep turning back to a situation where they are being hurt... And there is nothing you can do.

Why do they return?

[alienor.livejournal.com]

The known dangers of being with him are easier to handle than the unknown dangers of being alone? Especially with a child, I'd imagine.

Plus if he's psychologically abusive, she is probably convinced that she's an awful person who doesn't deserve any better. It's hard to overcome conditioning like that.

As guyelfkin says, I think all you can do is be there for her when she needs it.

[jauncourt.livejournal.com]

She doesn't see it when it isn't happening because she doesn't want to.

I've been there. You've seen me go through a psychologically abusive relationship, and I didn't realize until just before I left that it wasn't just that I didn't like what was going on, it was that what was going on was wrong.

Honestly, if he hadn't tried to turn my rejection of him back on me (throwing me out of the house we owned together when I asked for a divorce), and had instead attempted to get me back, I probably would have second guessed myself again, as I had twice before. Bad partners can be wonderful when they are in the courtship phase.

She needs your support, if you can give it. What she needs to free herself for good is to have her own friends. It's the only thing that can save her. If you give up, she won't even try to leave.

[(Anonymous)]

Sometimes I wish it was easier for social workers to remove children from environments like that. It might even be motivation for women to stay away.
/Monika

[(Anonymous)]

There are many, many reasons for certain people to behave this way. Some people just seem to be wired so (they get rid of one abuser, just to fall for the next one, and the one after that, et cetera); others don't think they have the strength to stand on their own (which they don't have to do, necessarily, but they think they do or believe they do, which, when you're in one of those situations, is nearly the same thing); still others believe they "deserve" whatever psychological abuse the other is dishing out (for whatever reason); and more yet think that "he's changed this time." There are a myriad of different reasons for this type of thing to happen. Many (if not most or even all) of them are psychological, emotional, and/or spiritual issues.

Where she lives dictates what you can do about the situation. The police in Sweden are evidently required to report spouse abuse, but many don't because they could later be brought up on charges of false arrest if the wife reverses her story (for whatever reason).

It sounds like what she really needs is a long bout of counselling by a really competent counselor (and, unfortunately, there aren't enough of those anywhere). Whether she knows that or not, or is willing to do it, is another matter.