I'm not pretty anymore

[frualeydis]

So I went to a bar with some friends on saturday. It was fun (first time for two years or so), but I also made a discovery: I'm not attractive anymore! Nobody looked at me or talked to me!
This is not something that has come suddenly, only my understanding of it. It explains a lot of my experiences the last 8 years or so, both when going out and on other social occasions. When I was younger I was, maybe not very pretty, but attractive and I could always count on some male attention when I went to bars, discos, parties etc. The last years I could just as well have been invisible. And it's not that I'm shy or anything, as you probably know, they're just not interested.
I don't like this. In this specific case it wasn't that I was older since most people were around 40 or above and the youngest probably in their late twenties. I admit that I am fatter than a lot of people, but not that fat. I also had less make-up, but that hasn't scared people before. So there I was, feeling reasonably pretty, with a nice v-neck opening and something to show in it ;) and loose, long hair and no-one even looked at me!
What's wrong with me???
I don't want to meet someone, I'm happy as it is, but it would be nice if people at least noticed me. Sometimes you need to feel pretty.

Comments

[myralea.livejournal.com]

i don't think there is anything wrong with you!

i might be totally wrong, but somehow i believe part of the problem is the factor of interpreting peoples attention/or lack of.
or at least that is my experience in the matter. in my perspective i've never got any attention, ever. mostly because i don't see it for some reason, even if i try (yes, i'm probably a bit slow or stupid). also, i've never really looked for it either, not that i pretend i've never cared, probably just a mixture of little self confidence and egocentrism ;)

then i observe my boyfriend who often sort of believes every bit of attention is directed towards him... (really, he not that much more pretty than me, is he?) and maybe because he believes it so strongly and acts upon it, it comes true. but it works like magic, and it keeps him happy. although, from my point of view he is sometimes extremely naive (hm, maybe i should not tell him that?!).

so part of the problem of growing old and unattractive might be in one's mind? one has maybe just lost the naive interpretion one had earlier (due to growing up?)

so, believe in yourself, and you'll be as pretty and attractive as you want! (might not always work, but wont be a disadvantage either ;)

[frualeydis.livejournal.com]

I think you're prettier than Thomas. But I don' tknow what is with him, even when he was a pimply youth he somehow managed to get lots of girls. I think it's his genuine appreciation of them both as women and as persons.

Eva

[mirazandar.livejournal.com]

hm, - I really don't think it's you that is the problem. Stuff like this is so situation dependant, - that when one really needs some attention, it's this little thing inside the head of other people that says that "she's desperate, and therefore unatractive", but when one doesn't have the need for it at all, people look at you as secure and also attractive. So the moment you notice that noone are looking at you, you involuntarily start looking for attention and then something happens inside the head of others that makes it impossible to get that much needed attention.

I have noticed that when I dress in clothes that fits the "attractive" stereotype, - I feel a bit dressed up, and the result is that noone looks at me as attractive. But when I hide deeply within a big mans shirt and oversized corduroys without makeup and really don't care for attention at all, - I get it.

It's too bad, - cause it always comes when one doesn't need it, and it never comes when you need it.

(and if you go out with your boyfriend, someone hits on you when he's at the loo, but if you are single and go out, noone hits at you at all. Quite annoying really)

[frualeydis.livejournal.com]

Desperation isn't attractive that's true, but I'm not desperate and haven't been for a decade. Not even for company since I'm always out with friends.

I think the opposite may be true too. That if you're not interested in male company, other than as friends, they don't see you, because everything about you says "married". I guess you have to send signals that you're interested for men to notice you.

Eva

[mirazandar.livejournal.com]

Der mistet jeg engelskkunnskapene mine, så jeg skifter språk.

Jeg mener ikke bare ren desperasjon, jeg får inntrykk av at det er nok å legge merke til at man ikke får oppmerksomhet, for at det skal forårsake en (uønsket) psykisk reaksjon hos andre, - så sant de ikke kjenner deg vel og merke.

Klart, - om man ser gift ut, ser man kanskje vagt avvisende ut? For meg er det i alle fall alltid slik at om jeg har en kjæreste, synes tilfeldige fremmede at jeg er tiltrekkemde, mens om jeg ikke har det, synes de det ikke. Synd det ikke er omvendt.

[myralea.livejournal.com]

>> I guess you have to send signals that you're interested for men to notice you.

yep, that's probably been my main problem. to reserved/reclusive to send any signals what so ever... :(

sometimes it amazes me i've actually had had boyfriends at all! the fact that i've never really been out of some sort of boyfriend or the other for more than a month or so. strange. suppose also only very persistent boys have ever managed to come close to me. (hence the present one? ;)

and you're right about him, i think there has to be something about the way he actually sees people, by genuinly appreciating them as they are and makes them feel welcome. a gift quite rare i think. suppose that was how he managed to open my eyes at least, don't theink i would have given him a second thougt otherwise.

/m -in my own way very naive :)

[armillary.livejournal.com]

I think you are both pretty. So no need to feel undesirable on my part...

-- Arnaud, doing his part for courteousness

[(Anonymous)]

Hokay.

1) Waddaya mean the first time in two years? We went out this easter! Harrumph.
2) You're not unattractive. Stop it. You do, however, give off rather a married vibe, which may be why people don't check you out.
3) Maybe it wasn't that kind of bar? Some bars are mostly hang-out places where you meet friends, more like coffee shops really, and people don't tend to chat up strangers in those places.

/Sara

[frualeydis.livejournal.com]

Sorry, forgot easter. OK, first time which included beer.

Eva

[(Anonymous)]

I agree with the previous commenter: It may just have been a nice place (as in: not a meat market). On the other hand, I've heard similar stories from far younger friends who notice that engagement and/or wedding rings somehow work as invisibility cloaks in bars.
/Monika