Melancholic thoughts
Dec. 12th, 2005 12:36 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
frualeydisI watched The Banger sisters on telly last night and I liked it. It wasn't the best film ever (obviously) and the end left a lot to be desired, all problems were solved a little easy, but the acting was really good and it was a fun and interesting story. Anyway, it got me thinking: About growing up, of the people we were, about the girl I was and where she disappeared. I left the environmental/alternative movement when I got pregnant with Vendela and Valeria. I was probably burnt out from a particular nasty conflict in Friends of the Earth Sweden and from combining full-time studying and full-time activism for 5 years. Having twins took up a lot of time and I got new friends and hobbies through their father, who introduced me to LARP and to the SCA.
Then after we broke up I tried to re-connect, but I had changed and the activist scene in Göteborg had changed. And I felt that maybe I left too soon and I had lost myself. It got me really depressed for a couple of months, a process where I started to really think about what _I_ believed in and who _I_ was. I had become very influenced by my ex, who poked fun at the movement and our ideals. Not out of malice, he's not malicious, but it made me make fun of it too, to avoid conflict. So I lost something that was very important to me, things that I don't want to joke about. During those depressed months I re-evaluated and discarded a lot of the opinions and attitudes I had developed when I was together with Andreas and managed to find the real me again. But I never got involved in activism again. Maybe I am too old, but I don't have the drive to do it anymore. I think I should, there are so many things in the world that are wrong, but when I'm home from work I want to do fun things and it doesn't seem fun to me anymore.
But sometimes I feel like I have abandoned the young Eva somewhere in the past and she's left there all alone and I wish I could reach back in time and re-live those days see if there is anything I could have done to keep the passion burning.
It doesn't really make me sad, but a little nostalgic I guess.
Then after we broke up I tried to re-connect, but I had changed and the activist scene in Göteborg had changed. And I felt that maybe I left too soon and I had lost myself. It got me really depressed for a couple of months, a process where I started to really think about what _I_ believed in and who _I_ was. I had become very influenced by my ex, who poked fun at the movement and our ideals. Not out of malice, he's not malicious, but it made me make fun of it too, to avoid conflict. So I lost something that was very important to me, things that I don't want to joke about. During those depressed months I re-evaluated and discarded a lot of the opinions and attitudes I had developed when I was together with Andreas and managed to find the real me again. But I never got involved in activism again. Maybe I am too old, but I don't have the drive to do it anymore. I think I should, there are so many things in the world that are wrong, but when I'm home from work I want to do fun things and it doesn't seem fun to me anymore.
But sometimes I feel like I have abandoned the young Eva somewhere in the past and she's left there all alone and I wish I could reach back in time and re-live those days see if there is anything I could have done to keep the passion burning.
It doesn't really make me sad, but a little nostalgic I guess.
