Melancholic thoughts

[frualeydis]

I watched The Banger sisters on telly last night and I liked it. It wasn't the best film ever (obviously) and the end left a lot to be desired, all problems were solved a little easy, but the acting was really good and it was a fun and interesting story. Anyway, it got me thinking: About growing up, of the people we were, about the girl I was and where she disappeared. I left the environmental/alternative movement when I got pregnant with Vendela and Valeria. I was probably burnt out from a particular nasty conflict in Friends of the Earth Sweden and from combining full-time studying and full-time activism for 5 years. Having twins took up a lot of time and I got new friends and hobbies through their father, who introduced me to LARP and to the SCA.
Then after we broke up I tried to re-connect, but I had changed and the activist scene in Göteborg had changed. And I felt that maybe I left too soon and I had lost myself. It got me really depressed for a couple of months, a process where I started to really think about what _I_ believed in and who _I_ was. I had become very influenced by my ex, who poked fun at the movement and our ideals. Not out of malice, he's not malicious, but it made me make fun of it too, to avoid conflict. So I lost something that was very important to me, things that I don't want to joke about. During those depressed months I re-evaluated and discarded a lot of the opinions and attitudes I had developed when I was together with Andreas and managed to find the real me again. But I never got involved in activism again. Maybe I am too old, but I don't have the drive to do it anymore. I think I should, there are so many things in the world that are wrong, but when I'm home from work I want to do fun things and it doesn't seem fun to me anymore.
But sometimes I feel like I have abandoned the young Eva somewhere in the past and she's left there all alone and I wish I could reach back in time and re-live those days see if there is anything I could have done to keep the passion burning.
It doesn't really make me sad, but a little nostalgic I guess.

Comments

[ginger-dragon.livejournal.com]

You know, this resonates deeply for me. Sometimes I feel like I lost me, as I was once- but perhaps losing and abond are the wrong things to say. Perhaps growing and evolving would be better. We have to change, and that is not necessarily wrong. I think that the most important thing is to stay true to oneself- something that can be hard enough, especiallyif one lose track of ones self.

Idealism and activity is very much something for he young, it seems. Perhaps because the energy seems boundless, and ones loyality can be where one chose. Having a family changes thing, for example, a child need you in a way that make some kinds of commitments hard. I mean, I still have, generally, the same opinions I had when I was twenty. I have re-evaluated them, and worked upon them, but they are still in line of what I thought then. And I try to live after my ideals, even if I don't have the same time and energy to be active.

*HUGS*

[seamstrix.livejournal.com]

Perhaps you are at point in your life where you are just focused on different things? I think one of the things that 'The Banger Sisters' says is that never changing AT ALL from who you were as a teen-ager isn't a good thing either. There's a natural progression we go thru in our lives and at certain points issues and causes are more of a focus than others. Right now you seem to be occupied with your family. This is not a bad thing. As long as you don't totally abandon yourself, it's okay to grow and change. And I promise that we won't solve all the world's problems before you get back to point in your life where you want to focus on them again. There will be plenty left for you.

[frualeydis.livejournal.com]

Yes I know that there are different phases. But I was thinking that she has lost so many years being somebody else than she was. I "lost" maybe three years, and they weren't really lost in that way, I was me, just not the whole me.
Now I am who I am, but I long for the energy I used to have.

Eva

[systemgoddess.livejournal.com]

That movie evoked the same reaction in me. When it was over I cranked up my my Led Zepplin MP3's (who needs vinyl anymore right? LOL!) and did a lot of thinking about who I used to be and where my life has led me. A part of me was nostalgic for the old me, the girl I used to be. Sometimes I really miss her but then I don't want to act at 41 like I did at 19 or 20. Truth be told I like myself a whole lot better now and I'm content to let the old me rest.

[amonik.livejournal.com]

The reason activism is mainly for the young (IMO) is that for most people, life just isn't that simple. To have that energy and enthusiasm, you really need to avoid seeing things, and live in a sort of black&white world of ideas. Maybe this doesn't apply as much to environmental activism as to left wing/anarchist and feminist activism which I'm more familiar with, but I think that's part of it. Aging and academic life makes it difficult to avoid seeing things as more complex.

[(Anonymous)]

I hated that movie. I'm scared shitless that I'll end up like Goldie Hawn's character, stuck in my 20s lifestyle with no way out. Also, the clothes in the movie are crap... And what's supposed to be so "honest" about making an identity out of screwing musicians anyway?

/Sara

[frualeydis.livejournal.com]

The honest part was not about having sex with musicians but with not hiding who you were, not being ashamed of your past and the decisions you made then. About having the rigth not to be perfect. About mothers also having lives and not only existing for their husbands and children. I thought there was a lot of good things in it. And I don't get the "the clothes were crap" thing, it's not like it's a costume movie, it's set in today's society and people do dress both in beige and in leather pants nowadays.
And yes, Goldie Hawn's character is sad, which came through nicely in the movie, but fortunately we don't have to end that way, we all have a choice. Everybody may not get the perfect husband, house and kids, but that doesn't mean that we're forced to live like we're 20 years old, there are choices.

Eva

[(Anonymous)]

I meant "crap" as in hideous.