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I have now tried to work 1,5 hours a day for a little over a week and it is not going that great.
First I went through all my old e-mail (I've been away for 15 months) and it was so tiring, almost couldn't walk the 800 metres home without fainiting.
The physical part got better, I managed to take walks after work, which is necessary for my mental health, and one afternoon I even wiped the windows in the kitchen. But the mental didn't get better at all, and above all: I couldn't do the work. I can't write professionally, I can't structure my thoughts, I have no memory, and I get stressed by the simplest things. The fact that I am in constant strong pain does of course not help at all.
And every day I felt a need to run away into the forest and never come back.
Then came yesterday. I was going to listen to a lecture. I had paid for the ticket. But I didn't get the zoom link, and I couldn't reach it through eventbrite. And while this was annoying my reaction showed that I am under too much stress. I had a meltdown and felt personally targeted and couldn't stop crying. And the anxiety from thiis stress also made it very hard to sleep.
I realized that I couldn't work today, so I decided not to, but instead took a walk with hubby. Then I had another meltdown from meetign four peopel walking next to each other and refusing to give way so that we could keep a distance. And got panic, and angry, and started crying again.
I had an appointment with my occupational therapist today and she said that I should contact my GP and say that I am not well enough for even 25 % work rehab yet. So I e-mailed her and I have an online appointment tomorrow at 13. She is great, and I really need more rest.
I don't know when I ever will be well enough to work again, but it is not now.
First I went through all my old e-mail (I've been away for 15 months) and it was so tiring, almost couldn't walk the 800 metres home without fainiting.
The physical part got better, I managed to take walks after work, which is necessary for my mental health, and one afternoon I even wiped the windows in the kitchen. But the mental didn't get better at all, and above all: I couldn't do the work. I can't write professionally, I can't structure my thoughts, I have no memory, and I get stressed by the simplest things. The fact that I am in constant strong pain does of course not help at all.
And every day I felt a need to run away into the forest and never come back.
Then came yesterday. I was going to listen to a lecture. I had paid for the ticket. But I didn't get the zoom link, and I couldn't reach it through eventbrite. And while this was annoying my reaction showed that I am under too much stress. I had a meltdown and felt personally targeted and couldn't stop crying. And the anxiety from thiis stress also made it very hard to sleep.
I realized that I couldn't work today, so I decided not to, but instead took a walk with hubby. Then I had another meltdown from meetign four peopel walking next to each other and refusing to give way so that we could keep a distance. And got panic, and angry, and started crying again.
I had an appointment with my occupational therapist today and she said that I should contact my GP and say that I am not well enough for even 25 % work rehab yet. So I e-mailed her and I have an online appointment tomorrow at 13. She is great, and I really need more rest.
I don't know when I ever will be well enough to work again, but it is not now.
