I am giving myself this

[frualeydis]

When hanging with one of my closest friends, who also has a chronic illness (or rather: several, and worse than me), recently she asked if I really had the strength and energy to be baroness of Gotvik. And I answered that I am giving myself this.

And that's how it is: all these years, while teaching and having no official time for research I have done research, gone to conferences and written articles. Both because it's fun and because if I want a job that's what I have to do.

But since a year I have a steady job on 50% (and I can't ever work more than that). And yes, I am working on articles, but the two I'm working on now will be the last for a while, maybe a couple of years. Instead I will focus on making my teaching better, the thing I'm actually paid to do.

And on my free time i will go to more events and get more involved in the SCA. I will continue writing blog posts about historical dress and even write something for an SCA newsletter, not just for scholarly journals.

I am giving myself this and I am very happy.

Comments

[clothsprogs.livejournal.com]

"I am giving myself this and I am very happy."

Yay!

Teddy

[mrs_maupin]

And that makes me so happy for you ! Yay !

[sarahbellem.livejournal.com]

Good on you.

I was asked a similar question recently, the morning of Crown Tournament. A friend asked me if I was mentally stable enough to do the job, because she knew I had been struggling recently with depression. I know she meant that being queen was a hard job (which she has done twice, so she was speaking from experience), and it means having to put aside all of the internal crap and focus on the kingdom, but the question really irritated me. Is anyone EVER ready to do ANYTHING risky or challenging? To expect to have a flawless reign or to be 110% emotionally stable the whole time is unrealistic.

I told my friend that I was having my meds adjusted and that beyond that, I would take it one day at a time. Like everything else.

At least we only have 4 month reigns in the West. ;)

[pinkdiamond.livejournal.com]

It also feels incredibly patronising, and it doesn't matter who it comes from.

I guess it's because I never seem to get asked "what can I do to help this thing happen." The assumption just is that if I cope then I am fibbing and if not, then well that was stupid of me. For some reason I do find more people just try to stop me than offer real help that they would, frankly, offer to someone they understood to be well.

It is also really hard to say, hey, I'm doing a job, it's not selfish of me to want to do this. You're welcome.

So thank you Eva, Thank you Sarah, for saying "I will do this."

[sarahbellem.livejournal.com]

I have to say, I often think of you as someone who doesn't let a chronic illness stop her from doing things she loves. It helps put my mind in the right place about how being "selfish" can really be an expression of self-care, if that makes any sense.

And yes, I did find it incredibly patronizing and insulting when my friend cornered me to ask if I was sure I'd be able to handle the duties of being queen, right before my fighter went to finals. Thanks for the vote of confidence!

It's weird, being suddenly thrust into the limelight consorting for a "super Duke". In all my years in the SCA, it never even entered my mind that reigning was a possibility until I apparently inspired someone enough to make him want to try to make me queen. And that act of generosity was so overwhelming that I still can't wrap my brain around it fully... We aren't anything more than good friends, but it's so oddly intimate an act and I hadn't expected it to feel that way.

And then the negative attention. No one tells you about that, but suddenly it's lurking everywhere. Like my friend asking me if I could handle being queen; like another 'friend' who has been spreading rumors about me and my fighter; like the fact that my fighter's squire has voiced concerns about me that are unfounded and based entirely in rumor and in the process is allowing these poisonous 'concerns' to drive a wedge in their relationship. Like, no one ever had a problem with me for the last 22 years, but suddenly I'm a throne-hungry duke-chaser. The hell?

If anything, it all just makes me want to do it more, because I know my worth and I know I could do good things as Queen. Fuck the haters. :)

[pinkdiamond.livejournal.com]

Thank you :) I do find it hard to express that I don't avoid a challenge but I recognise when something is going to be harmful to myself or others. So I have had to give up theatre, that was partly because of how theatre works. It's every day, sometimes twice a day. So it's not that it's hard to plan around it's that it's a solid wall of doing stuff and not in a way I could manage for myself.

SCA and convention stuff requires a lot of planning and sometimes for longer but the bursts of being on public display are usually a few days at a time. Not easier, but a different use of energy. So it's within my scope.

I think that's maybe why outsiders find it so hard to see? That if you can take a 6 month calander and plot the peak periods and they line up with your abilities then you can plan for it. But that it doesn't necessarily mean you can do all the things in those six months, just that you can plan for it like anyone else, just with a few more supports in place :)

And honestly support is so important. I know who I can rely on for what, and while it's not optimum I'm also not in a relationship and have a few trust issues!

So yeah, I am super happy for you and Eva for doing going forth- whether planning or undertaking. And that's not with blinkers on that's fully aware :) So if either of you can use whatever support can come from NZ you have it :)


Oh, needless to say I'm not assuming any motives, just that I know how crushing it can be when you get excited only to find people are not being proactive.
A

[frualeydis.livejournal.com]

That seems really horrible. My friend was opnly concerned with what I could handle, since she's close enough to me to know what everything "costs" (especially since she has Myastenia gravis herself). But it made me see that it really was a gift I've decided to give myself and what it means in terms of production of scholarly articles the coming two years. But that's a price I can pay, I've written quite a lot of them.

/Eva